Dear Real Estate Agents of Bangkok

Dear Real Estate Agents of Bangkok,

With this blog post, I wish to apologize publicly for my behavior these last few days. I know you are already busy without me, let alone with me. I know you frequently work on commissions, I know you have to eat and eventually pay for your own house and food. I know that I am, maybe, the hardest client to deal with. I am the picky, wannabe omniscient type of client. Such a prick, am I not?

I don't even know yet if I will definitely stay in Bangkok and I already contacted two handfuls of you. Some I had to let down. Others were made happy. A third group keeps trying, curiously (and you should stop, guys, really, because I am just not that into your units. You are not the problem: I am).

Sometimes, I am unable to pronounce your names (fortunately, it is mutual, I see). I am annoying, I look like a teenager, I speak loudly, I gesture a lot, I tell you that I am possibly going to be a teacher at one of the best universities in Thailand, but who the f*** do I think I am, refusing to pay more than 12k THB for an apartment in the city centre? Who am I to wish for an apartment on a high floor, with a beautiful view, good furniture, fancy décor, a bedroom separated from the living room and the kitchenette, included cooking appliances, new and clean air-conditioning equipment, a washing machine, a pool, a gym, a garden and free Internet? Oh, and it also has to be near the freaking MRT/BTS/railway!!! Who am I, seriously, to crave for this kind of luxury, when the average Thai worker earns half of my salary and works twice the time? Who am I, white European pretending to be half-Filipino just to fit in, to demand an affordable apartment with all of these characteristics??? FREAK.

Furthermore, as if you hadn't suffered enough because of me, you suggest more apartments we should visit. Just run away from bully-Beatriz ASAP! Didn't you learn your lesson? We don't have an exclusive relationship, I often contact other Real Estate Agents in Bangkok without you noticing. Please, respect yourself. Leave me.

And then, all of a sudden, I decide that, if I move to Bangkok, I want to move in to That Condo. What the hell? Didn't I want something cheaper? Ergh, actually Another Real Estate Agent in Bangkok got me some fantastic apartments within my budget and we will visit them. 

Also, I have to acknowledge I am the cruellest client you never had (or will ever have). Dear Real Estate Agents, I apologize for my indecency, but yes, I kind of expect you to work for me during the weekend AND during night hours as well, because I expect you to be available to chat with me via e-mail at 3 in the morning and to schedule visits I wish could happen at 11 a.m., when I am in the middle of an insomnia crisis, provoked by the anxiety and excitement about moving to another country nearly before I end puberty (it was not long ago and it shows). Basically, I am a spoiled brat and you have to put up with my sh.... stuff.

In the end, the probability of me renting a condo through your agency is less than the probability of Madonna telling her real age while she is alive, but anyways I need you to be aware of this: you did the best you could! You learnt from your mistakes, such as when you arrived half an hour late and showed me a messy, smelly studio on the ground floor, facing the parking lot, that I didn't even want to see in the first place (but I made an effort to like it, I really did). 

Now, for all the pain I put you through, I bet you wish I won't stay here in your country, possibly teaching your beloved sons and daughters in a public university, sponsored by your taxes. I understand. It has been hard for me to find the perfect apartment according to my high standards and it has been even harder for you to sooth my pain when I try to open the door of a wardrobe and what I get is a loose handle freeing itself in direction of my toes, which end up cut and bleeding (true story).

So far, I think this is the longer apology I wrote in my life. You really should give some credit to my effort, although, while I was writing it, I was sitting in a fashionable café, drinking an overpriced bottle of water and eating an overpriced mushroom soup that looks like it came from a supermarket can.

Thank you for your time, your sweat and your vain words. LOL.

Wishing you the best of clients in the future, who will believe you when you say "Nooooo, that's such a wrong idea, of course the apartment looks the same as it does in the photos, the problem is the lightning!". Sure it is.

Kind regards,

Your Worst Real Estate Client Nightmare